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CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE Song: Lord I want to be like Jesus, in my heart Inner my heart (4x) Lord I want to be like Jesus, in my heart Introduction: I gave this title, 'Christian Marriage' conscious of the fact that unbelievers and worldly people are not interested in such a talk like this. Why should they be interested when most of them are already 'married' (Girlfriends/Boyfriends, concubines…) thereby bearing illegal children. Marriage is central in God's hands, very vital, important, weighty and a serious issue that can lead to either sorrow or happiness. Next to your decision to receive Jesus Christ as your personal saviour, and next to your resolution to crown Him the Lord of your life, comes the vital question of what vocation to choose. Question of whom you shall marry if you are not intending to live a single life for God (as Priest or Reverend Sister). A wrong choice here can tragically wreck your entire life and ultimately cause a shipwreck of your faith. On the other hand, the right choice here can promise that your future years will be a bit of heaven on earth. Does God Approve Marriage? Yes he does. Marriage is natural and God-blessed experience. Marriage is a total commitment and a total sharing of the total person with the other partner in the marriage relationship until death. God Who introduced sex and marriage to our first parents has given His blueprint for marriage in His word particularly in Genesis 2:24 which took place before the fall of man. This verse is cited three times in Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:7-8 and Ephesians 5:31. There is no doubt that this verse is the key to marriage as envisaged by the Lord. Purpose of Marriage Marriage brings joy and excitement. Broadly speaking, its essence is:
Is it Wrong Desiring Marriage? No. There is perhaps nothing more important, normal and more natural for young people of the opposite sex to be attracted to each other. Men and ladies have a God-given built-in-attraction for each other. Ladies, for example, should never be ashamed of their desire for a husband and home and children. Neither should there be any guilt whatsoever for desiring to have a husband. It is whatsoever not wrong to desire a wife or a husband at one stage in ones life. Everyone desires to eat or drink and such desires should naturally lead the individual to getting them legitimately. Just as you will not take anything you feel like taking simply because you are hungry or thirsty otherwise you will die quickly. So also so you should not resort to having illicit sex simply because you desire to marry, else you will die of HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases (Gonorrhoea and Syphilis). You would have been thrown into prison by now if you had been fighting people simply because you felt like fighting. So on a general note, young men and women should freely desire and pray for life partners; and they should pursue their desires in a godly manner. Who Are Eligible for Marriage? This is another vital point. In many countries, in order to stop child abuse, the local laws pegged the minimum marriageable age of 18 years for females and 22 years for the male counterparts. Many more things were said about age limit. Age limit might be an important factor for eligibility but it is not a sufficient condition for eligibility in marriage. We must look beyond it. Needless rushing into marriage for in God's kingdom, some people who are slow and steady arrives first while others who are in a hurry might likely arrive late. Patience and endurance can make you to be rich in future, while those that believe in do or die affair will be thrown into prison. Below are some of the conditions: i. Good and regular source of income - by this I mean, have a source of livelihood. Not necessarily plenty money but he should be able to take care of himself and family that he is about to make. Has a place where he calls his home. Obviously a servant may not fit in here or somebody who sleeps in the same store in the market where he sells. Judge it yourselves: would it be appropriate for an applicant or a servant/student to go into marriage? It is expected that a young man have the basic furniture and household equipment before embarking into this venture. Such a man must be to an extent, independent. Do not be tempted young man spending all your life looking for plenty money to marry, you may end up marrying your money. When you find a good wife, you will certainly obtain favour from the Lord. God's word is real and true. Believe it! ii. A mature man - marriage is for 'men' and not for 'boys'; it is for women and not for 'girls'. Marriage is quite a challenging responsibility meant for any individual who is prepared to accept responsibility. There are some 'boys' who are not prepared to share their wealth with anyone or would want to only share their wealth with only their wives and not with in-laws. The simple truth is: one is married to a wife and all members of her family; and not only to the lady alone. Maturity is not only a factor in age, we have people who are well above 30 years of age and yet immature; there others who are under 30 years of age and yet can co-ordinate themselves properly. Someone who is still tied to his/her mother's 'apron string' cannot talk of marriage because he/she would always run to the parents whenever there is a minor disagreement between him and her partner. Little wonder then that you see some people having difficulty making up their minds for marriage and that is actually the first step - acceptance of responsibility. We have many 'boys' who are contented with going to restaurant day in day out and would not want to give anyone money to go to the market for shopping so that they would not be cheated. Worst still, they do not even like receiving visitors for fear of parting away with some money. Don't we have people who have been living alone and not even a single relative has come to pay them visit? Maturity has got nothing to do with being rich; many are rich in the eyes of the world but immature and unprepared for marriage. They ended becoming 'senior' bachelors. iii. Eunuchs and impotent - the eunuch is a man who has been castrated (especially removal of the testicles) while the impotent is a man who lacks sufficient strength and power to perform sexual intercourse. There are many scriptural reasons why some men are eunuchs (Matthew 19:12). So not all that are facially complete are equally bodily complete, it is important that you prayerfully and medically settle any form of defects first before going into marriage least you put your spouse into bondage and that might eventually lead to divorce. Actually this calls for sincerity at the point you are making your proposal to someone or receiving proposal from someone. There was a case of a 'man of God' who was impotent and married a fellow sister in his Church without disclosing his defect to the sister. The first night after wedding the young man did not make any advancement on the sister. The sister felt he was tired and needed rest after the stress of all the wedding service and long reception. Again the next night there was nothing; the sister ignorantly felt her husband was committing the new home into God's hand in prayers and would not want to 'defile' himself. But after about five more nights of inactivity, the sister finally broke her silence refusing to give in any longer to assumptions; she was bold enough to ask the 'deceitful husband' what was happening and the man told her he was impotent but because of pressure from people to get married and since he was getting old, he deliberately refused to let her know his problem for fear that she would refuse to marry him. Guess the sister's reaction? Your guess is as good as mine. Well she reported to the Church elders and the marriage was dissolved because of deceit. We serve a big God that nothing is impossible for Him to do. So be open and take everything to God in prayers, (Matthew 19:26, Mark 10:27, Luke 1:37). Choosing of a Life Partner Spring is almost rounding its term and we are being wished into autumn when flower blossom revealing its new buds every morning with light dew and moderate sunshine very good for the skin. This is also a time when feasting enters its peak. Farmers begin sharpening their harvesting instruments in anticipation of bumper harvest. The summarisation of the season is happiness and gratitude to God for everything. Contextually, this is also a time when scouting for partners enters a rapid dimension as evident in too many wedding ceremonies: traditional, court and Church types. Often invitees end up themselves in making march-able partners. They may not always be march-able, some would only create standards like: I would want a wife adorn with beauty, she would be tall, black, fair, short, slim, educated, God fearing etc. Likewise the lady would say: I wish God gives me a tall, handsome, very rich, God fearing, educated young man as my husband. In the days gone by, when parents used to look for wives for their sons, the pride and glory of any parent was to get a chaste virgin and of course very beautiful lady for their son. Well this rarely happen in our days, you may have to choose the person you like to marry. The scripture says, "He that findeth a wife findeth a good thing and obtaineth favour from the Lord." (Proverbs 22:18). May be God is like saying go out and look for your wife because Adam your first parent blamed me for giving him a wife whom he said, "the woman you put here with me - she gave some fruit from the tree, and I ate it." (Genesis 3:12). Adam was indirectly saying that God led him into wrong choice and consequently sinned by giving him a wife that he (Adam) never chose. Be that as it may, for us Christians, we have an obligation to take it to God in prayer. We need to pray for God's leading and guidance in choosing a life partner, knowing that marrying the wrong person could be very dangerous. Young people are getting daily too anxious and inquisitive about marriage, and in order to appease their curiosities, worldly 'experts on marriage' continually flood the market with erroneous literature on marriage. A. Problems of the Wrong Choice. i. High Personal Standards. By this I mean people who have written out high qualities of the kind of person they would want to marry - a graduate, beautiful/handsome, light/dark in complexion, rich, from a particular geographical location, possess some spiritual qualities, and the like. People like this treat God as a rubber stamp, with their plans and decision at hand, only to come to God for signing, stamping and blessing. Unfortunately, God doesn't act that way. "There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death." (Proverbs 14:12). "To man belong the plans of the heart, but from the Lord comes the reply of the tongue." (Proverbs 16:1). Inasmuch as it is not wrong having your personal standard, I encourage you to ensure that these standards only serve as a guide and not a hard and fast rule. Be willing to let God have his way and also prepare for a compromise. Many marriageable people are getting old because of personal standard that they are unwilling to compromise. It seems only a lady/man from heaven can meet the kind of high standards set by some people. Some sisters today are already above 30 years old and even approaching 40 years because they have turned down all men that approached them for marriage for one ungodly reason or the other. Most our brothers too are above 40 years and yet unmarried because they have refused to marry the lady God willed them to. Marriage like other vocations if not attended to at the time when God is calling and leading could be very dangerous, I mean one may find it difficult later in life to find his/her feet. Think about it: can you remember that brother you turned down because he was not well dressed, or having enough money, or having a car, degree, living in a flat and so on; now he is happily married to another sister and having all those things! The wife has changed his dressing habit and brought several other blessings to him. But here you are still waiting on the Lord for Mr. Right, perhaps now very desperate, ready to marry any person from anywhere, and where are they now? Now to the brothers, haven't you despised a sister because she is not too spiritual, not learned, not beautiful, had nothing doing, a mere sales girl/maid and the likes. But glory be to God, she is now happily married to another brother who has significantly changed her destiny, polished her and now has all those things she lacked before. But here you are a 'Zecharian Bachelor' (anther term for senior or old bachelor) and still waiting on the Lord. Who knows, sisters may now be running away from you because you are almost their parents age-mate! ii. Emotional indulgence and Attachment. The beautiful ones they say are not yet born. But we have people who are idolising others; by this I mean where a particular sister feels that a particular brother is the best in the world and she must marry him even when God is saying no or when the brother himself has got another sister in mind to marry. Some brothers who are 'professional' counsellors get so much attached to sisters to the extent that they cannot hear God speak about whom to marry. Many youths are emotionally unstable, always having many people in mind they would want to marry because he/she has some gifts and possess other striking qualities. iii. Worldly Influence Ungodly literatures/books, TV programmes, Video programmes, internet and familiarity with ungodly associations is daily influencing many. To such there is no room for God's leading in their hearts, they get the whole issue mixed up because they seek counsel from the wrong source. God is the author of marriage and only Him can truly guide. People like these begin to work by sight and no longer by faith (2Corinthians 5:7). In fact they become atheists thinking that God cannot help them in matters of marriage. Some become so reserved and have strong tendencies toward self-management; and in the end it will lead them to carnal and unwise comparison. B. Steps Towards the Right Choice Since marriage is going to last for a lifetime, it is important that the individual pray fervently, seeking the will of God. Pray that God will lead you to the right person for your companion through life. The bible teaches God's people to pray about life's affairs. We are commanded to pray for our daily bread and for our physical needs. Surely much praying and waiting before God should always accompany this second important step in life (choosing a life companion). Amazing as it may seem, God is not so busy managing the affairs of the vast universe that He has no time to be concerned about whom you shall marry. He wants for you the very best in life. He will guide your choice and ensure your happiness if you will only ask Him. i. Be Wary of Visions, Prophecies and Dreams Our God works in diverse and mysterious ways. Yes God can and has always been speaking to us through the above but we must be careful to be able to discern between the voice of God and of the Devil. There are many fake and wicked dreamers, prophets and vision seers in our midst today. These people come telling you that sister A or Brother B has been destined to be your life partner even when you as individual might not really be in love with that person or worst still when the suggested brethren is already in the process of getting married. You must know that God is the best matchmaker, "Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord." (Proverbs 19:14). They gather in the name of prayer partners only to cause confusion among brethren. After all the gossips and too much talking, dreams must certainly come: "As dream comes when there are many cares, so the speech of a fool when there are many words." (Ecclesiastes 5:3). We must stand in reverence before God, "Much dreaming and many words are meaningless, therefore stand in awe of God." (Ecclesiastes 5:7). You must be well grounded in the words of the Lord so that all dreams, visions and prophecies would be compared with His words to see if they are in conformity. In Deuteronomy 13:1-7: If a prophet, or one who foretells by dreams, appears among you and announces to you a miraculous sign or wonder, and if the sign or wonder of which he has spoken takes place, and he says, "Let us follow other gods" (gods you have not known) "and let us worship them," you must not listen to the words of that prophet or dreamer. The LORD your God is testing you to find out whether you love him with all your heart and with all your soul. It is the LORD your God you must follow, and him you must revere. Keep his commands and obey him; serve him and hold fast to him. That prophet or dreamer must be put to death, because he preached rebellion against the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt and redeemed you from the land of slavery; he has tried to turn you from the way the LORD your God commanded you to follow. You must purge the evil from among you. (Deuteronomy 13:1-7). And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. (2 Corinthians 11:14). You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth? That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you. "A little yeast works through the whole batch of dough." I am confident in the Lord that you will take no other view. The one who is throwing you into confusion will pay the penalty, whoever he may be. (Galatians 5:7-9). How many people have seen visions that God said they should marry a struggling brother? Or a brother that do not dress well? Or a disabled sister? We only see visions about beautiful, educated and well to do sisters. All our prophecies about marriage only point to 'spiritual' brothers, rich, handsome, educated and influential brothers. Hypocrites! ii. Avoid Imitation Marriage is a mystery and you must avoid comparison. You must not compel your partner to the exact way and method followed by another person. Those who are married would tell better. Whatever book you are reading or going to read in the future on marriage will only end up serving as a guide and not a hard and fast rule. In the same way take all a-must-follow advice from people as a guide too and not a must follow kind of thing. Develop an open mind and be willing to submit to God's will. iii. How to Approach a Sister for Marriage We are not saying how to approach a brother but how to approach a sister. Sisters have got dignity to preserve and might not be in conformity with some cultures for a sister to make proposal to a brother otherwise the brother would take her as a wayward lady or even 'possessed' who wants to 'seduce' him. Well, we advice sisters to be careful in the way they display their love or interest for marriage towards brothers. It is not wrong for a sister to desire having a particular brother as a life partner, but you stand the chance not having him if you make the proposal first. Even at that be open to God and allow Him to give you the best if it is not the brother you have in mind. You can create many 'godly opportunities' for him to approach you. Do not intimidate any sister by saying, 'God told me you are my wife!' Who would want to disobey God? You need not quote from Genesis to Revelation before you make your proposal. Avoid spiritual/Pentecostal jargon like: 'the Lord revealed to me that you are going to be my wife', 'do not disobey the voice of the Lord in this matter', 'the Spirit of God agreed with my spirit that you are my wife'. Make your proposal as simple as possible and do not push her around. She should be given room to pray too. If God has indeed convinced you about her, then allow God to convince her also. You may ask: ‘what if she says No at the end of the day’? Then you are free. It is between her and God. It is not a do or die affair. Even if she knows it is God and refuses, that does not change the purpose of God for your life. But how long can you wait for her response? Difficult question to answer. Well some groups may say two months or three months or … It is important you follow the directives of the marriage ministry of your community/Church. I advice the sister in question not to seek the face of God forever but do well to respond as soon as possible. You should not deceive the brother by keeping him in suspense when in actual fact you have made up your mind to say no or have got another person to marry. I advice the brothers to exercise some degree of patience and restraint; you tell sister to pray today and tell another to pray tomorrow and yet another to pray the next week. You will end up bringing more troubles upon yourself and confusion among the sisters. This will make the brethren to ignorantly say that two sisters are 'fighting' over a brother. You caused it! At no point should a sister say yes to two brothers, that is evil and grave sin. You are only doing this for your own selfish gain - material favour that will eventually ruin your life. At no more point too should a brother have two sisters that have said yes to him, it must be one, otherwise you will cause enmity between them. Do you know that we have 'spiritual herbalists' in our fellowships/groups/churches these days? You may ask how do I mean, here is it: imagine a brother with his prayer team of four other brothers, he tells them that he has Sister A in mind for marriage but he do not want to approach her. Now he will ask them to go to her one after the other without letting her know that they were from the same team. Each one would probably go telling the sister that God has spoken saying she would be the life partner of the brother. How do you expect this sister to receive these 'prophesies?' What would you call this kind of prayer team? Herbalist!!! May I mention quickly that you should not use your wealth to trap either a sister or brother. You are simply arousing his/her love that ought to be spontaneous rather than artificial. Such a love will not last because it is not unconditional but dependent upon your wealth/beauty/education/influence. Agreed, it is nice to be your brother's/sister's keeper, let it be out of pure motive and genuine love. It should not be for personal gains - expecting him/her to marry you. Your behaviour towards the opposite sex will go a long way in letting the person know what is in your mind. Do not marry out lust - that is, you think the sister is too beautiful. Do not marry out of pity - that is, you think you want to do the sister a favour because she is poor and probably getting old and no one seems to approach, neither should a sister say yes out of pity because the brother is poor or advancing in age. Marriage must be based on sincere love. An advice to our sisters: even if you were expecting a particular brother to talk to you and here is it he has finally made the proposal; try to conceal your excitement. Tell the brother you are going to pray and it is doesn’t really matter afterwards if you come back the next day giving him a positive answer, at least you have proved that you know your 'worth' as a woman and have maintained your dignity. iv. What if the Parents say no? There were/are cases when both or either of the parents/relatives of either the man or woman would object to the relationship even when both partners are happy with themselves. Please take it to God in prayers, do not be in hurry. Try to get their consent and blessing even if it means waiting. Remember the hearts of the Kings is a stream of water in the hands of the Lord and He let it flow wherever He wants (Proverbs 21:1), so also the hearts of your parents/relatives are like that in God's hands. v. How do i know? The question every one asks. Supposing someone comes to you saying that he has known the will of God and for that reason he wants your hand in marriage, how do you know if what he is saying is from God? You have to test his 'spirit' (I John. 4:1). "My Heart was so peaceful, my spirit was free, I had no doubt!" Do you feel...PEACE....PEACE....PEACE....Peace in your heart!! In other words do you have the spirit confirmation to accept him? Is his testimony according to the scriptures? Does he have a definite experience of being a child of God? (John. 3:3, 5; 2Corinthians 5:17). Is he bearing good fruit and still attached to the vine? (John 15:5-6). Above all, is there agape love in your heart for him? You may not really need to go too far to discover the basic truth about everything. Be careful if you must make further inquiries about him/her less you get discouraged by others who do not want your progress. Some sisters might tell you that the brother is not good simply because they are jealous and some brothers might tell you that the sister is bad simply because they are envious of your progress. Please act wisely. Seek counsel from responsible and mature children of God. Remember this: It's easy to find the "wrong mate", it takes knowing oneself,
vi. Consent This is the point when the sister finally gave her consent and I also want to assume that all concerned (parents and relatives) have equally consented. So where do we go from there? Depending on your culture, you may have the following sequence of stages: Courtship, introduction, traditional rites and church wedding respectively. Each of these stages must be handled with care and above avoid any form of sin. No sexual intercourse until you are finally wedded in the church. “Marriage should be honoured by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” (Hebrews 13:4). God Bless You! Evang. John Bamidele Oseh |